She Was Looking For Herself

There are lots of moments in Cold As Silk where Eleanor begins to reclaim her life.

Some are enormous. Others probably look quite ordinary from the outside.

Taking up Krav Maga is one of them.

Eleanor doesn't walk into her first class because she suddenly wants to become someone who can fight. After years of living under someone else's control, she wants something that will help her feel stronger and more capable in her own body.

That distinction was important to me when I wrote her.

Eleanor's journey isn't about transforming from someone weak into someone strong, because she was never weak. She survived years of violence and psychological control while doing what she needed to do to get through it.

What changes over the course of the book is how she sees herself.

Little by little, she starts making choices simply because they're hers to make.

She changes her surroundings. She tries new things. She learns what her body is capable of. She starts trusting her own judgement again.

Krav Maga becomes part of that journey.

It gives her something that belongs entirely to her, something that isn't connected to the person she was expected to be or the life she once lived.

And that's why the line I chose for this week's Cold As Silk artwork isn't really about fighting at all:

She wasn't looking for a fight.

She was looking for herself.

For me, that's what Eleanor's story has always been about.

Not becoming someone new.

Becoming completely herself.